What is Lagos like?

So Mom always asks me to document how my life in Lagos really is. Well, tonight was a perfect opportunity. While this may not be specific to Lagos, it is definitely among my most hectic and awful moments. Africa is also one of the only places I have ever dealt with todays topic: Cockroaches. Yes, I was just confronted with a giant mutant cockroach with an attitude problem. No, no, I dont exaggerate. This thing was at least four inches long, had overactive feelers and stuck to any surface. But I am getting ahead of myself. To better magnify the story, I will now use third person narrative.


This evening, around 10:30pm, our unsuspecting and beautiful heroine walked innocently into her very own kitchen for some water. She flips on the lights and waits for the fluorescent bulbs to fully turn on before she enters the room. Why does she do this?, one might ask. The answer is simple. She waits for the light to turn on so that any cockroaches foolish enough to inhabit her kitchen can flee before she unwittingly steps on them. Yes, our young dashing Julia is afraid to step on a cockroach in her delicately arched sock-covered feet. So she waits for full light to flush out any obstacles she may encounter BEFORE she enters the room.
So on this fateful Saturday night, she sees that the floor is clear and walks into the room. From the corner of her eye she sees a movement. But surely she must be mistaken. Something that big moving must be a lizard or rat. She turns her head to see a four inch cockroach with GIANT feelers loitering on the counter next to the microwave. How can she see it so clearly? Because the light under the cupboard is literally shining a spotlight on it.
Now this confused our incredible heroine. She had always been told that cockroaches were afraid of humans and hid from the light. But then she remembered what Jeff had told her. "Cockroaches out in the open are near death." Otherwise they avoid humans. Since Jeff always made our heroine deal with the bugs on her own, she had trusted that he would not lie to her about the issue. So being the intelligent and ever-prepared YSA that she is, Julia grabbed an empty coolwhip container and got ready to gently place it over the 'dying' cockroach. As she got a few feet away, the cockroach turns to her and steps a few inches closer. It then swirls its massive feelers as if trying to communicate its displeasure at being interrupted. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this cockroach was giving attitude. Therefore, because of its apparent personality and evil nature, we will henceforth call this cockroach Ted.
She decided to move forward and try to trap Ted under the plastic can, now aggravated by his aggressive manner AND confident that his slow motions meant that he was experiencing his imminent death.
Well.....dear audience, the next part of the drama unfolds to both show our brave young heroine for the mastermind (and total girly-girl) that she is. When she went to place the bucket over Ted, he suddenly burst into speed and crammed himself under the microwave. Startled, Julia stood for a moment in absolute beffudlement. She then starts to move the microwave to try to uncover enough of Ted to try and trap him. However, devious Ted continued to scrabble under the microwave as it was moved. Ted looked to be winning the war when suddenly a change in counter level left him outside his hiding hole. Julia swooped in and placed the container on him, effectively immobilizing his attack.
This COULD have been the end of the story but dear readers, it only gets more intense from here. Julia retrieves a magazine for which to help scoop Ted and his bucket up and create a sealed lid...situation....for...Ok. You have all done the bug scoop thing. You know the drill.
Julia used the magazine to scoop the bug up. But what to do next? Should she fling Ted outside...and risk the chance he may return? Does she try to spray him as he flees throughout the flat? Does she flush him down the toilet? As Julia weighed her options, she called a few friends to ask the ever important question: "If you flush a bug down the toilet, can it crawl back up later?" Then of course, the worry is that the bug can climb up the sides of the toilet bowl before the flushing action can carry him down. Julia decides, with the advice of fellow Lagosians, to try the flush method.
Julia walks to the bathroom with one hand on the magazine and the other on the bottom of the plastic container. Ted is trapped between. But as Julia reaches the toilet, the flaw in her plan manifests itself. Now that she had her hands full....how does she get Ted to fall into the toilet? Does she pull apart her cage and shake until Ted falls out? Does she try for a technically advances scoop method with the bending of the magazine?
She finally decides to flip the cage so that magazine is on top and the plastic container can act like a cup for Ted. After a few swift taps on the magazine to make any creature fall into the container, its simply easy to turn the container over into the toilet and let Ted fall out. Julia's brilliant plan would have worked....if Ted hadnt have been a mutant cockroach.
As Julia turns the magazine over, she sees that mutant Ted has managed to cling to the magazine despite the vehement taps to get him to release. Ted then makes an offensive attack on Julia by scrambling as fast as he can towards her. Julia, of course, squeals like a little girl and flings the magazine, the container and Ted into the bathtub. Ted runs like mad around the tub trying to find a way to kill our poor heroine.
Julia steps back and tries to regain her composure, sure in the knowledge that Ted must not be able to climb the sides of the tub fast enough to escape. Silly, silly, naive Julia.
Ted makes a break for it and begins his steady climb up the side of the tub, still trying to attack Julia. Julia grabs the container and like a squirrel on crack, tries to trap Ted again. After a few agonizing moments, she succeeds. In stunned silence, she tries to decide what to do next. It occurs to her that spraying Ted while he is in the false security of the cage, might be most effective. She heads to the kitchen to retrieve the spray.
On the way back, now armed with the ammunition of all bug killers, Julia has an awful thought. A horrifying...sickening thought. What if Ted starts to fly to get away from the spray? Now, dear readers, I know you may have always lived with the secure thought that cockroaches, even non-mutant ones, dont fly. You are, I am afraid, mistaken. Julia paused and considered the possibility of trying to catch Ted as he executed an air assault. But it had to be done.
Julia creaked open the container a few inches and sprayed for all she was worth. Ted began to frantically run around, causing Julia to pause her spraying periodically to ensure no flight was possible outside the container. After a few....gallons of spray, Julia felt confident that Ted had been hit at least once and replaced the trap to wait out the inevitable. That is when the truly disturbing part of the story came into play.
Did you know that cockroaches squeak? Neither did Julia. Ted began to run the diameter of the container in what could be a world record. Over and over and over Ted runs the outside wall of the container letting his massive feelers scoot under the brim as he squeaks his displeasure. This was so disturbing to Julia that she grabbed her camera and video-recorded the scene and the noise. (filming will not be included here due to its graphic nature) It was during filming that Julia realized Ted might need more spray because of his mutant resistance. She sprayed a huge puddle on the tub floor and scooted the container over it, then placed a shampoo bottle on top of that to secure that mutant Ted would not move the container in his desperation. After a minute or so, the squeaking stopped. When last Julia looked, Ted was on his back with his legs slowly moving to signal defeat. Julia, was not so forgiving, however and waited until morning to insure his death was complete.
Then she flushed him.

THIS, Mom, is what a day in Lagos is like.